i remember when i was in elementary school (probably 3rd grade or something little-r), i used to think about college students quite like i think about retired folks or people in senior homes. they were inconceivably old, with so many years between me and them that it would be impossible for me to envision myself in their shoes right now. that distance was intimidating (in that they were so old) but also really reassuring (in that i would have a while to get my act together before i join their ranks).

now here i am, about to be a senior in college, at a school i had only read about in magazines, and it is crazy, to be “subtly” understated, to see how funky time really is when you look back. don’t know how this works (and for all i know, i could be dead wrong) but i feel like everything after 21 is going to be lived out in warp speed. i imagine myself slowly pulling the lever on my spaceship, as it flashes into overdrive and the stars in my cosmic windshield turn to florescent streaks. is that what being old is like?

i have read so many things–books, articles, blog entries, poems, you name it–on this growing old business, and none of it has prepared me for this. you’d think all of this previous writing would have some didactic purpose. but it seems to me that it was more a desperate effort to reason and explain away the anxiety and uncertainty that watches and calendars bring, rather than teaching kids like me how to live and breathe normally and take things one day at a time. unfortunately, this is also one of those things that billions of people have gone through and weathered just fine, and have felt just the same, so i don’t even have the benefit of originality.

digression: why is it my fault that everything i say is cliche? if you look at the grand scheme of time and humanity, i am born pretty late into this spectrum. i figure it must have been easier (although i guess they didn’t have wordpress or the internetz) to think of something that you felt and convey it into words that don’t suck. it’s kind of like inventions. people who were born earlier had a billion things they could invent (“hey look what I made when i put chocolate chips into dough–chocolate chip cookies!”) with way less effort. i maintain that we modern folks should have some kind of handicap or head-start in these things to level the playing field, if you will.

i can’t think about this more deeply right now. better thoughts need some solid, prolonged thinking but i just haven’t had time to just sit with myself and simmer in my thoughts in the last couple weeks. i guess that’s part of it too.

i have moments like that sometimes.

i have these fleeting minutes where i feel a deep, aching desire to fly out. not away, just vertically rocket out of my orbit. out of my body. out of my thoughts and routines and visions.

there are moments when i feel deeply alone, because i see others looking so…together.  look like they’ve kind of figured out where they belong, where the puzzle piece of their lives fits.
and i let myself think: where do i go? who do i find? where do my ridges and grooves and stubs and holes fit in?

then i fall back into orbit and i think–hey this isn’t so bad after all. and to be fair, i have yet to find a puzzle where i fit and want to fit.

ever have the feeling that you’re not dreaming big enough? i’ve been recently running into things that in tiny but firm ways show me a glimpse of a life lived magnificently. i keep seeing beautiful images, reading heavily evocative words, hearing unbelievable hooks and it makes me think that i have been living a life not big enough. i keep imagining a me that’s better-read, more informed, more spontaneous, and more sure of myself than me right now. i keep imagining being in a place where i am constantly risking and pushing and challenging and scaring myself, but walking away with that full, satisfied feeling in your heart knowing you’re living a life worth pursuing.

i don’t know what i’m saying, i guess. but i know i’m feeling boxed in and small. and i want out.

i’m sitting alone in my house for the summer (the rest of the housemates are at work already–they’ve been here for more than a week) and i can’t help but feel really nervous. perhaps it’s the thought of being in a new city. a big, confusing place where you haven’t figured out the cross streets yet and you would rather open up a map and admit that you’re lost than keep your dignity and pretend you’re fine.

there is this deep aloneness you feel when you’re left in a foreign place. and it makes you think how reliant you were on your knowledge of where you are and how to get around to give you a sense of security. like being able to place yourself on a map somehow makes you completely secure, safe, and stable. it’s weird to think that someone can feel so vulnerable in a new place. perhaps this is why i never studied abroad. the excitement of being in a new place, a foreign, unfamiliar location never seemed to outweigh the deep-seated pit of discomfort and butterflies that would come about from a trip like that.

i am going to chalk this up to a lack of sleep and the fact that i’m sitting alone in this gigantic house. time to move forward and do things. that’s the only way i’m going to get over this silly fear of the unknown.

so it begins.

recently, spurred on by some of the sermons at The Gospel Coalition National Conference, i’ve really been meditating on the meaning and emotional depth of God’s love. i’ve always believed that heart change and growth happens when it’s motivated from within, not dragged and forced by outside factors and pressures. and recently i’ve just been able to understand and feel deep in my gut the depth and breadth of God’s immeasurable love for us.

me describing this, though, actually worries me because i think it’s precisely due to words and descriptions like mine that make it difficult for people to really come to explore and feel on a deeper level the impact and the meaning of God’s love. and i say that because it’s the kind of thing where if you don’t communicate it well, impactfully and powerfully, it just comes off as a cliche. not to posit that any amount and combination of words can do it justice, but there are things that you just hear over and over and over again that it loses its meaning after the umpteenth time. you can only hear “God loves you” so many times before you start taking that for granted. and subconsciously file that away as a truth that you know in your head but not in your heart.

and head knowledge destroys. it lures you into a false sense of security that you’re driven and motivated by truths, but fails to provide you with the emotional fuel that really sparks positive growth and radical faith transformation in your life. and i’ve been learning more about what true change takes by feeling deep within me the radical difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge.

it’s something that i want to cling to everyday, and i need to fight to do so. because i will forget, i will grow weary, grow lax and passive. these things will happen and recalibration and reminders of God’s immense love for me will have to happen again.

if you hear the Gospel and you don’t feel your heart getting warmer, the goosebumps coming to find you again, or the chill going down your spine, it’s time you dig deep and remind yourself of what the cross means for your life. when you really “get it” is when you move forward and you have the strength to grow. if you don’t get it anymore, go back and do. please don’t take the Gospel for granted. you’ll never make a bigger mistake.

It’s always a scary thing, really, to be thinking about growing old. Every year that passes is another year I lose from the 21 years society has bought for its youth to get it together and figure life out. And to know that I have spent 19 of these twenty-one years already and only have two more years before I am pushed out into the hard reality of life, where I fend, live, and experience things for my own sake is a horrifically scary thing.

This is alarming to me, mainly because I really haven’t figured it out. I still have no grasp of where I am headed. I have no strong opinions on anything, and my values are fuzzy, gray, and mostly a gut reaction, rather than enumerated ideals. It’s scary, because I feel like so many great people my age have a giant leg up on me. They have been spending these 21 years carefully, piecing together bit by bit what these questions mean to them and stumbling across the answers that they find satisfactory. And for me to have to scramble to get these questions answered for myself, it is a burden that presses on me, and becomes easier and easier to ignore rather than encounter head-on every day.

So a couple of questions that I want to have answered for myself before long:
1. What are my core values?
2. Where do I stand politically, and what drives this stance?
3. How do I begin to distinguish valuable opinions and thoughts from the less valuable?
4. How literally am I going to interpret the Bible, and what do I believe on some core points of disagreements among Christians?

The third one is especially hard for me, because I think it’s difficult to have a concrete reason to disagree or devaluate another’s opinion without coherently understanding my own, and comparing where these ideas fall when juxtaposed with my own. It’s one of the reasons I have difficulty making an argument for an issue, and it’s something that I would like to change.

What a supremely silly album cover.

I live within biking distance of the Googleplex (about 20 mins from door to door) so this has been my choice of commute since day one. It also hasn’t rained here since I’ve gotten here, which has made biking doubly easy. This biking situation is pretty great for two main reasons.

One, this forces me to exercise, albeit a negligible amount, every day to and fro work. I’ve convinced myself that this suffices as a “work-out” and have used this as an excuse to not go into the gyms here on campus.  Well, that’s not the only reason I don’t go to the gyms here. But–I digress.

Two, this commute is great is because it gives me about twenty uninterrupted minutes of music on my iPod each way, and this means about eight (or nine, if I’m lucky) songs that I squeeze into the round trip.  So far, this has been a great opportunity for me to revisit old favorites as well as stumble onto any hidden gems that have been stuck in the nooks and crannies of my iPod.

And the past couple of days, the iPod’s shuffle mode has been throwing at me songs about love. And not the stage of love where people are heartsick, tired, upset or broken by romance. Most of these songs have been about that initial ramp-up stage when you start getting nervous in a good way, where your brain gets fuzzy and you can’t think straight or rather, at all. That awkwardly fascinating, heartwarming period where you don’t know where this is going but don’t want to not find out.

That’s exactly what Who’d Have Known by Lily Allen is about. This was one of those albums that I had downloaded in its entirety and had stored away deep in the cave that is my iPod’s storage. So when this song came along, I was pleasantly surprised and overwhelmed by the sentiments that our dear Lily is crooning about.

It has certainly been a while since I’ve felt this way about someone. The tingly, jittery feeling that you get when you see them, and the way you get incredibly self-conscious and awkward, even though they might not even notice you’re there–I used to get this stuff. And it would be the best feeling in the world. To feel a magnetic pull, an irrational, unconditional attraction towards someone that compels to you act, and the feeling that you get when you find out this is reciprocated. That this isn’t just one-sided.

And I don’t know what it is, but this has eluded me for some time. And it’s not like I haven’t been paying attention either.  In fact, I can attest to the fact that I’ve probably gone looking for this feeling more actively than I should have the past year or so. Lots of silly and regrettable decisions have been made during this crazy chasing the end of the rainbow situation, and it’s because I just wanted to get this feeling again. And when I thought I had arrived at this point, I pounced. Just took a risky nosedive and hoped for the best, fingers crossed. Needless to say, this hasn’t work out too swimmingly. And it was a mistake for me to go chasing after an elusive sentiment that you won’t ever really catch.

So here I am, still sitting here with a tiny ache that reminds me that this feeling and I have yet to meet. I am going to be more patient from now. I am going to make sure that I don’t go running after mirages just because I can’t help but want a slice of that feeling, that euphoric, head-spinning-fast high. I promise.

But man does that pang hit me hard when our Lily comes on and sings about how crazy tip-toe exciting it is to fall head over heels.

So it’s been an eventful couple of weeks. Sorry that blogging has been rather slow–after long days at work, the last thing you want to do is sit down at a screen that looks just like the one you left at work and mentally exert yourself. It’s definitely been a hectic couple of days but it would also be a lie if I didn’t admit that I have been getting lazy with this business.

Almost everything is great here. This is the first week during which I have felt at home and comfortable and in my element at work. This has meant increased productivity, better interactions with coworkers, and a general sense of control over my surroundings. I’m the kind of person that takes time to adjust to new situations before I can go full throttle, both workwise and socially, and I think I’ve climbed that hill, which is great news. I’ve also gotten around to seeing some really great progress on my project(s) and this was the first time where I walked into my weekly one-on-one with my manager feeling confident and excited to share what I’ve accomplished.

Other aspects of the experience are coming together too. The BOLD interns all had an off-site at the Giants game, which was not without its logistical snafus, but was overall a fun experience. We got to all huddle together and complain about the cold (and the fact that no one actually ever likes baseball games for baseball’s sake) and celebrated when our birthday shoutout to two of the BOLD interns flashed on the jumbotron. That was fun to be a part of. And just yesterday, a bunch of interns got together to go see the SFMOMA (SF Museum of Modern Art, for the less acronymically gifted among you all), and then head over to a goodbye party for one of our parting interns. It was the first BOLD party that I made my way to, so it was a rather confusing experience at first. But eventually people got sufficiently buzzed and then it just became fun to see all the ensuing ridiculousness. And best part of it–no booze for me meant that I got to remember everything the next day. Ah, the simple things in life.

But I say almost everything, because it’s been a week ripe with introspection and contemplation, mostly about the future and decisions that will have an impact on my life’s trajectory. This internship so far has been a sterling opportunity for me to delve into the real world and catch a glimpse of what life after midterms and student groups could look like. To be fair, this internship is just that–an internship–and it’s not the most accurate depiction of work life after school. But if anything, I have a feeling this depiction is inaccurate in favor of Google. In other words, I think the internship paints a rosier picture than what a life at Google actually looks like firsthand. Don’t get me wrong, the program is great, the people are great, and Google is a great company. I have learned so much in the past few weeks and have encountered so many smart, driven people that it would be impossible for Google to not be a great company.  It’s just that I couldn’t envision myself there for more than a couple years at best.

In fact, it’s not even really about Google as so much as what I want my life to be about. I’ve always wanted to do something of consequence, be in a position of influence, and have the ability to make decisions that affect the lives of many. I used to tell people in high school that my goal was to make the cover of Time, whether by good means or bad means. Now I bet you’re thinking at this point that I was a vain 17-year-old hotshot who doesn’t understand how the world works. This was 180% true. But the more and more I think about it, the core of why I used to say that hasn’t changed. In fact it has only gotten stronger. For me, being on the cover of Time was never significant in itself. In fact I couldn’t care less if my face was plastered on the cover of magazines, much less one with rapidly declining journalistic standards. Yeah, it was more than that. There was a time when being on the cover of Time meant you had accomplished something, something worth writing about, reading about, catching a glimpse of. It meant that you reached a level of significance and worth that could only be reached by the strongest of their fields. I think this level of achievement was what I found most exciting and alluring.

I want my life to be one of significance. And now you might be saying at this point–here goes this 19-year old kid moaning about “significance” and “legacy” and silly garbage like that. Perhaps you’re even right. It is much too early for me to be thinking about what my life is going to be remembered as. But that’s the problem. I can’t help it but think this way. It’s the way I’m wired. We had Megan Smith, a VP for Business Development and Google.org, come in and speak to the interns on friday about what her career looks like. She is currently leading efforts to provide platforms that are changing education, health, and energy as we know it. It’s crazy to see what a lot of money and tons of motivated smart people can accomplish. And it got me thinking. And it got me excited. That’s the level of motivation that I want to be operating at. I want to go to work where people are accomplishing more than just increasing the bottom line. I want to be a part of something that is of lasting significance. And I want to be an instrumental part of something larger than ourselves.

But there are two things that are holding me back from that right now.

One–I don’t know if I have what that takes. I see people who are in these positions of influence and consequence, and what I see is a level of smart beyond what I can imagine and comprehend.

I knew people in high school that just operated on a different level of intelligence. It was obvious that they were, and that this chasm was one that was wider than I could bridge by added learning or expended effort. You could spend extra hours learning the principles in physics textbooks and ace the tests as often as these kids did, but extra hours of cramming and mindless “studying” won’t help you make breakthroughs in the field, coming up with new revolutionary concepts and ideas. At one point, you can’t teach yourself to be a more brilliant thinker. You just are or you’re not. And the people I see here at Google’s management level alone are people with a clearly different mettle. And I just can’t figure out whether this is something that I can work towards, or something that I will never reach and simply do not have the capacity for. That ambiguity scares me endlessly.

Two-I also don’t know what I am passionate about that would drive me to give my all. I just don’t know what that would be. But I know that what I’m setting myself up for right now is not that job. I’ve always pushed for consulting because I knew that would be a profitable endeavor. I’ve never dug deeper than that, besides the fact that it would be fun to meet people and travel around the world. It would be a great way to get started, but I don’t know what I would be contributing to besides providing extremely costly advice that might not see the light of day. I’ve always liked advertising and design, to be fair. But I don’t know how much impact I will have in providing work of lasting significance in a field like advertising, and design is something that I currently don’t have a developed skill set for. I could try for it if I decided this was something I really want to pursue, but is it? Is it worth the gamble of switching my career path halfway through college to try a field I have never really experienced before?

And most importantly, where does Jesus fit in all of this? Is my desire to seek significance in my work a flawed view of the world and my faith? Am I chasing windmills? I want to pursue Jesus and I do believe that there is a way for people of influence to glorify Jesus in what they do. I just want to make sure and know deep down in my heart that this is the reason why I want to be big, not to feed my own ever-increasing ego.

There are lots of questions here, and not enough satisfying answers. More soul-searching ahead.

1) i would have to hike for two days, for goodness sake.
2) i had to go and get myself all this camping gear (sleeping bags, legit boots, camping pack, dried food eww, etc)

So clearly this other, lodging-included affair was a more attractive and reasonable option. I was a bit scared to be spending a whole weekend with people I barely knew (didn’t really know these BOLDers beforehand), much less be stuck in a car for 3.5 hours each way.

It turned out absolutely beautifully though. The hiking route that we decided on was the Mist Trail, which according to the very reputable-looking website, Yosemite Hikes, is Yosemite’s signature hike and a manageable one too. For us amateurs, it was a good decision. I was pretty winded by the end of the trip, but I had seen pretty sweet things along the way, like

Follow to end for cash prize!

Lots of sweet rainbows:

This trail being aptly dubbed “The Mist Trail,” we saw our fair share of water in all forms (mist, flowing down waterfalls, etc). And said mist made for some beautiful rainbows as we were walking up the drenched steps. I wish I had the patience to sit here and plug all the wonderful photos I took of rainbows near this waterfall (this one is Vernal Falls) but you can just go visit my facebook album, which knowing some of you, have already stalked. Anyhow, the combination of the waterfall, the rainbow, and the rock faces made for some great shots, even if your camera is a crappy point-and-shoot like mine. Which brings me to another point.

(This doesn’t get its own bullet because it’s a digression) Why does every single person that I know own an SLR now? I’ll go visit some cool spot, see something I want to preserve in photographic form, and reach into my backpack to get my point-and-shoot, and the next person pulls out one of these babies and makes me look like I’m playing with a Little Tikes camera playset. I felt this way every time I stopped at a Kodak moment photo location, with me holding my point-and-shoot, and seventeen other tourists pulling out their massive and intimidatingly black SLRs snapping away at this stuff.  I might go out, buy one, and join the crowd if this keeps up. We’ll see though.

Eh, getting lazy. I might add more later, but this is all I have for now.

i don’t know. i don’t really want to send another one in case the old one ends up getting there. but then again, i feel like this letter is more time sensitive than not, and waiting any longer would lose its value.  gahh i should have thought about this. i’m so absentminded sometimes.

in other news, it turns out my project (it’s using excel to organize and analyze data) needs its responses to be mapped correctly, and that mapping document doesn’t exist. so basically, i’m supposed to find the original document, and go through the responses one by one and match them up manually. sometimes, as technologically advanced google is, you see really really silly stuff happening. like this for example.

it’s frightening to think that this is what my life will look like coming out of school. 9-5 every day, with some rest on the wknds and paydays and direct deposit and lunch with coworkers and coming home and crashing because you’re exhausted from the day. i really expected more than this. or at least expected more enjoyment from work. a feeling of fulfillment and promise and relevance. not sure if i can say that. i love the interactions with people, the jokes and the banter, but that’s few and far in-between. it may just be that the work i’m doing is way analytical and technical for my own liking, but i’m already feeling burnt out. on top of learning all the stuff i need to learn to do my job, i’m constantly trying to communicate and collaborate with everyone in my team, including my manager because this summer is in reality a 11-week interview process. i really want an offer back next year, and i don’t want to mess this one up because i didn’t give it my all. lots of pressure from all directions.

i really should be more productive with my time here, but i can’t help it that all i want to do after coming back from work is veg out in my chair, passively absorb information off the web, and then pass out. saaaaad state of things. i need a jolt.